I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
