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im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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