i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
