i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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