So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
did i walk over a car last night?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
FUCK WHALES
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
