Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
