He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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