well I can't set my house on fire every night
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
