Four minutes until I can fart!
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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