I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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