you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
