oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
