I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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