im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
