chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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