Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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