I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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