Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
