did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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