Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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