awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
