I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize