ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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