Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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