idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize