I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
