he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
