i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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