if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Can't talk, ducks in the car
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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