my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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