Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
