I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
