I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Houston, we have a blender
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
