He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
