that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
