so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
