Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
