They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
