They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
