I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
