I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
