It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
