I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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