I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize