Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
