the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
