Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
