i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
