I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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