Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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