If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
