don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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