I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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