I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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