So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
