From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize