My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
