So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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