is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
