eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
